Can I just be real for one second? Is that ok? Here we go…
I am nowhere in life where I thought saying “yes” to Jesus would lead me. Not even close. To be honest I feel incredibly let down by the whole thing.
I have been following Jesus for almost 20 years. I served in college ministry, I spent years being a missionary, I have been a pastor, I have been a professor, and I have spent hours studying and being with people. I gave up a major in college that would have actually been financially lucrative today in order to have more time for the ministry on campus, I gave up prime years in my life to tell others of Jesus in another country, and I gave up opportunities to put me first in order to serve God and give Him my all. I have said “yes” to Him and “no” to the world more times than I can count. And all of that has led me here – no wife, no job, no money, no future. As I look at my life, there is really nothing to show for all of the hard long hours of giving up what I wanted for God. I was told to put God first and all these things will be added. This wasn’t some crazy person who said it either, it was Jesus.
So where is this promise, Jesus? I mean, it is not like I haven’t tried. But my experience has been that in order to accomplish anything in this world we must play the world’s game the world’s way. So maybe I haven’t played it right. Maybe none of this is true. I simply don’t know. What I do know is that this is not working.
What I do know is that no matter how hard I try, I keep getting disappointed. If what was told to me regarding my walk with God (just wait, God is going to use all of this) is true, then where are the promises? Where is the benefit from sacrificing everything? Maybe one day I will look back and see how this long 2.5 years of desolation after many years of sacrifice for God had purpose. However, right now it is the challenge of getting up everyday and moving forward while still waiting for the answers for the questions and concerns of yesterday. Everyday is a grind. Everyday raises the question whether I am truly missing something in life that everyone else seems to understand. Everyday that goes by makes the path of walking away from everything all that much more enticing.
Anybody with me?
What makes this all the more painful is watching those who sacrifice nothing and seem to benefit everything. They do whatever they want to do, use whoever they desire to use, and then somehow just always end up on top. It is almost like following God doesn’t actually matter for anything. So where is God in this? It’s like the good-hearted, God fearing people are the ones suffering the most.
Where is the church in helping me understand this life? Oh, they are there. They are here saying that I just need to do more for God, sacrifice even more in order to get my breakthrough. They are telling me that if I give up now then I will never see the promise. They say that God is just waiting for me to get it together. Easy for them to say. Who is talking about what this walk with God truly looks like? Where are the models leading the way? Where is the wisdom of how to continue to follow Jesus every moment even when we may have lost sight of the reason we started walking in the first place?
So where is “God is close to the broken hearted?” Where are the answers to prayer? Where is the healing? Where is the provision? Where is the life benefit of giving up so much? All of this was promised by the very One I follow. So what gives?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not just trying to rant. The reason this is so painful for me is that I can’t walk away.
Where can I go where Jesus is not? Nowhere. And this is not a theological or doctrinal answer for me. This is an experiential knowledge that no matter where I go He will still be there. So if I walk away, every moment would be a reminder of the person who stands right next to me who I am not talking to. Every moment would remind me that I am angry while pretending that He doesn’t exist when He is looking straight at me. So there is no way of pretending like He doesn’t exist. I know who God is. I know who Jesus is. He is the creator and He is the one in charge.
So what option do I have?
Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to pretend like I have the key to my or your success. My only hope is that everyday I get up and I seek Him that He will be found. My hope is that eventually He will hear my prayers. My hope is that all of this is not in vain. My hope is that He won’t leave me. My hope is that He alone is worth all of this. But I am still waiting to find this out.
By the way, the cross in the photo above is made from pieces of wood collected from the big Oklahoma tornado in which people lost everything. There are so many things in this life that don’t make sense. And there is a very real living God I am waiting to show up and bring life.
Hi Matt,
Thank you for writing this. I have wondered many of the same things though I am not in the same position. I think there are several predicaments that people find themselves in that are worth exploring, many of which are not given a full expression. They are:
1. Sacrificed/served much, Gained Much
2. Sac/served much, gained little…
There are more but character limits prevent me
1. Sacrificed/served much, Gained Much
2. Sac/served much, gained little
3. Sac/Served Little, Gained Much
4. SAC/served little, Gained Little
#1 and #2 are generally uncontroversial, provided that we conceive of “gain” as “that which is Acquired/experienced prior to death”.
#3 and #4 are the trouble areas. You seem to be in position 2, while I tend toward #4… Again, character limits…
Adam –
It is so true that there are many different scenarios that we might find ourselves in. The question of gain is also worth exploring. How we define the success of the Christian life (or life in general) greatly influences where we find ourselves. I think the issue (whether culturally Christian or just cultural) is that our churches present #1 as the norm for the Christian life. And when it doesn’t happen, we are then forced to blame ourselves or question God.
Dearest maTt,
I don’t know why this is all in caps! Your dark night of the soul is Real, and you stand on tne shoulders of many before you.
We learned so much in seminary together. I’m so sorry others are telling you to do more or be more. It’s ok to “just Be” right now. Your transparency is holy- you are choosing holiness in your despair, as the lord jesus did. Praying for you.
Debbie –
Thank you for your encouragement and for your prayers.
Hi matt!
Thanks for sharing this.
Psalm 73 comes to mind.
Many Folks wiser than i have wRitten about disappointment with god.
I Have not experienced practically the full answer to the questions you are asking. But i believe the answer Is in our Oneness with the suffering messiah, who came to seek and save the lost, and calls us to the same life – he himself is our portion.
PHil. 3:10-11
And yet, during this turbulent tIme in your lIfe and thIs turbulent time in our natIon, you remain one of the few White maLe CHRISTIANS that this Black female Christian can say has blessed her and is living Christ especially here in me-obsessed Los Angeles. Too numerous times to count are the days where it was you that got me to hope in Christ when I was in despair. Praying peace your way.
Lauretta –
Thank you for the encouragement. I am glad God has used me in your life and I am glad I could model to you that you are not alone and that God is with you. Blessings.
The answer God gave me was complete surrender, and not Surrender to do things but surrender to do nothing, just to float in his love, just to know the true depth of his love, and be whole in it is MY reward. I never knew this until it felt like I lost everything. I’ll send you a text.
Jackie –
This is so true, thank you. It is the ultimate goal of this journey to love God and know His love in our lives. The journey itself can be difficult and painful. And while there is a certain peace that comes in surrendering in His love, surrounding to love is not something the world values. I simply wish surrender was modeled and taught more in our Christian communities.
What a beautiful, heart-wrenching lament, Matt. Like Steve, I also saw the many parallels between Psalm 73 and your words of truth.
Job perhaps put it even better: “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.” Sometimes, it feels like he’s killing us, Doesn’t it?Sometimes, The whole ‘Living sacrifices’ thing is the pits. Sighhhh…much to chew on here. Thanks for bringing it to the table.