Reflecting

Several years ago I sensed God asking me, “Is it worth it if it costs you everything?” At the time, my obvious answer was yes. Now, I’m not so sure.

Let me be clear, there have been many seasons in my life where God has spoken clearly about who He is and who I am in Him. I am not short of prophetic words over my life. However, I still wait for many of these words to come to pass.

Back in my youthful days, I heard many sermons that if I were to give my life to God, put everything in this basket and leave nothing left, that I would not be disappointed. So I put everything in this basket. I gave time, finance, past, present, and future. There was no plan B.

Well here I am. I have given everything. It has been years. I have paid the price, even if it wasn’t perfect. So I find myself between the cost and the promise. I find myself between the “yes” and the fulfillment. More than I would like to admit, I think most of our lives is spent in this place.

This is the place that rarely makes it into our sermons. It is the place that if clearly explained what it would look life for each us individually, we may question whether getting on this ride is worth it. This is the place on this journey when it gets really difficult to continue. It is the place where we can no longer clearly see where we came from but we also can’t clearly see the promise land either. But it is too late to go back. With everything in this basket there is no turning back now.

So now in retrospect, would we have said yes. Knowing the price, would we still say yes to the invitation. When Jesus said it will cost us our lives, would we only see this as a metaphor or would we see this as part of the promise. In the middle of the desert, will we forget why we said yes?

I go back to the Israelites walking in the desert for decades. We wonder why they would even want to go back to slavery in Egypt. I mean, don’t they understand the promises that are ahead? Don’t they know the God they are following in the desert? Wasn’t enveloping the Egyptians in a wall of water enough evidence of God’s goodness to them? Obviously not.

I think I would have been at the forefront of the mini-rebellion against Moses. Frankly a land of milk and honey in the middle of the desert is really hard to believe.

So I ask myself the same questions. Now that I am in the middle of nowhere, don’t I understand what God has spoken? Don’t I know the God I follow? Hasn’t everything He has done in my life enough for me to trust? Obviously not.

Well, what to do now. Reflecting on where I have come and the future I cannot clearly see, I simply stop. I can sit down in the middle of nowhere and huff and puff or I can acknowledge that if anything comes about from this life it is only because of Jesus.

And reflecting on the whole journey, I think to myself, “if I was in the same moment where I had the option to put my life in another basket, if I had the option to negotiate with God and give some instead of everything, knowing what I know now, would I have made a different decision in giving Him everything?” Obviously not.

It is often difficult to see at this point what the promise land actually looks like. It is difficult to believe that this will all be worth it. But if anything God has spoken and has done is reflective of the future to come, it is all going to be worth it.